Welcome Back

This post has special significance for me. It is my post to introduce a new trajectory for my blog, as well as a welcome back party for myself.

Except, the welcome back party for myself may have to be delayed for a little longer, because I feel sad again. On monday I saw my therapist for about two hours, and our talk was greatly relieving but I've noticed that a therapist cannot fix all your problems, some of them have to be tackled by yourself.

As some of you might notice, the first few posts of my blog were greatly concerned about my future, what I was going to do, if I was in the right school etc. Well, I thought I decided that a liberal arts education was the right idea for me - but I do have doubts every now and then. Although there is something that I am very certain of. I definitely want to study psychology in my undergraduate years; whether it is to understand myself better, or simply human beings better, I want to study it. So, even if I do transfer, it has to be with a school where I can pursue my interest in psychology untethered.

I think I have a huge self-esteem and self-confidence problem. It's so big that I almost feel overwhelmed and like somebody is pressing down onto my chest and I don't know how to overcome it, at all. That's what I talked to with my therapist. I feel like because I was with the same limited number of kids for my whole life, and in the same environment, this whole, huge bubble seems scarier than my smaller, old bubble.

Something that my therapist pointed out to me really stuck. I told her how I didn't understand why I was so insecure, because in high school I was a quite confident person. She told me that my life basically revolved around high school, my home, and a limited number of leisure activities. To that end, I had to develop a skin to protect myself around a very limited number of external threats and circumstances. But in my 'bigger bubble,' the one that more closely resembles the real world, I have more dabs taken, and I have more threats that I have to deal with. I have to deal with more monsters, I have to deal with more demons, and I feel the energy being sucked out of me slowly but surely. I feel drained and completely used and gone. I feel like there are so many different groups and cliques that I have to conform to in order to fit into them.

The huge irony is that this all happened so slowly. It happened so subtly that it's almost hard to believe. I mean, to be honest, I don't feel like recounting all that happened over the past four months to be in my university, because to be honest, it's just tedious and something that I wouldn't really enjoy doing and I think it would be more depressing than uplifting.

But I can honestly I have experienced the darkest, most intense form of depression riddled with guilty, insecurity and stress this winter. It hasn't exactly been a happy introduction to 2011.

I don't know why I've fallen so deeply. I think a lot of factors are at play. I think one of the most significant problems was that I was introduced to a whole new threat: the new world. I no longer had my comfortable playground to run around in. I no longer could just study what was assigned for me, go to tutors, and do my thing. I had to create my own schedule, I had to figure out my own classes, I had to simply be a pseudo pseudo-adult. It's pathetic that I'm spending $60,000 a year and I am still having so much difficulty - yeah that's such a hard life. That reminds me of another problem: I don't know if that much money invested in me is worth it. I mean, do I really deserve all of that?

Other problems I suppose have been wanting to find friends and have fun.