The title of my blog in Turkish roughly translated means, 'Tomorrow, I am passenger.' An important subtlety to note is that 'passenger,' in this case has a more specific meaning in Turkish, namely it denotes somebody who is traveling away, from the perspective of those that are staying put.
In every entry until now, I feel like there has been drama. By drama, I mean any form of intense emotion, good, bad, nervous etc. Positive nor negative is not the distinction that is to be made. I just want a blog where I listen to chill out music from YouTube (what? not cool - I mean from my super selective intense emo subculture bands on my iTunes that nobody has) and just write a very 'free' and post. something to chill with.
So I leave tomorrow.Today was Tuesday, the 18th of January 2011. But now that it's past midnight and is 1:54AM, It is officially the day of my flight, which is in about 10 hours... So I suppose the title of my blog is somewhat incorrect, it should instead say 'Today I am a passenger,' but technicalities aren't the emphasis of this blog.
Earlier today, my dad, my driver and I were in the car. We were driving, and I thought the plan was to go to the mall, and then to the airport to buy me some trousers. But then my dad changed his mind, and we all of a sudden decided to go to the airport. We were still within walking distance of my house, about 100 meters or so, at a two way road that is divided by a line of trees. The idea of going to the airport made me very nervous, I felt pressure on my chest, and I had difficulty breathing, and I felt nauseous.
It was the first time in my life that I felt that way - that I experienced the kind of distress that made me want to throw up, that made me feel like I couldn't breathe, and that made me just feel like everything was moving more slowly and slightly more blurry.
After I got pants, I want back home. On a side note, I went to a business meeting with my father in the morning, and I was walking to the engineer that he was meeting with. Even though my dad regularly works with professional engineers. this engineer wasn't so much an engineer anymore. He had worker with two companies, one at which he learned real estate kind of stuff, and another where he learned about automobiles. With his two expertise of those two finds, he started working at a new firm where his job was to combine those two experiences and it was such a perfect fit.
There's no school or program that's going to be able to do that for me. I want to cut this really short - but I want and I have to study psychology - I want to study psychology. If I'm going into real estate, I would rather go into it with a BA in psychology and hire architects as opposed to never having pursued something that is so interesting to me and instead have a BA in Architecture. I feel like that's a price I'm unwilling to pay, but I digress. (There's a summer program I can check out for architecture instead just to double check).
The rest of my day consisted of watching a movie, Certified Copy, and just having nice down time with my family. I visited my grandmother, my Belkis Aunt, and my cousin, Hala and Dayı. Then we sat around my livingroom with my sisters, my brother-in-law, my father and mother.
I had a nice day today.
I do feel sad about leaving, but I mean, it's not healthy to upset myself.
Istanbul, seni, ve barındırdıklarını çok ama, çok özleyecegim. Su an keske bir sey diyebilsem de kendimi de, seni de, Annemi de rahatlatacak. Ama bazen o bahtiyar getirecek dogru kelimeleri bulamıyorum, benden saklanıyorlar.
Bu seferlik böyle olsun. Yarın uyandıgımda sakin olacagım, buradaki gecirdigim güzel aya tatlı be yerınde bir son getirecegim.
Herkese iyi aksamlar.
ˇ
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