welcome back

"It's easier to blame your surroundings than it is to blame yourself."

To live in dreams, to want to leave this world, to want to become a writer, to want to move to London, to want to do anything and everything else that is possible.

I haven't really written down anything in this blog for a while, and I'm not sure why. It isn't like I've been super busy. This semester is not going as well as I thought it would. But before I start moaning about my problems, I want to talk about something that I think is pretty significant, at least to my development.

Whenever people are having a bad time, they are often advised and told that "this too shall pass," and in this evanescent life, nothing can escape being the subject of time.

But I feel like most of the time people hear these words, but they don't necessarily listen to them. Sometimes I feel like I don't know why I'm writing, it's not like anybody really listens to what I have to say anyway, but still, it nonetheless does provide some benefit since I keep on writing. Maybe even the smallest hope of somebody having readers will make me feel like I am not completely wasting my time. But nonetheless.

I feel like I've learned to accept my sadness when it comes to me. I want to name the sadness, I don't want to make her abstract. I guess by naming her something I feel like I can impose some sort of control upon my mood condition, and that illusion in itself just might make me happy. So I'm trying to think of a name. Let's call her Dolores. I googled if there is a Greek God/dess of sadness, and Dolores came up as an answer, and though when I searched for one I couldn't actually find anything, I decided that it's worth to try out nonetheless.

So, anyway, Dolores is back. Dolores seems to have brought some family members though, because Dolores (sadness), has come with Insecurity, Low-Self-Esteem, and a bunch of other things.

I suppose I am going on a spiritual tangent because I am detaching myself from the feelings that I am experiencing. Even my writing seems that way. I almost make it sound like my consciousness is subject to all these negative feelings, and to some extent, in a philosophical, very detached, very theoretical world, it is, and sometimes, even if for very short periods of time, it is helpful to go there.

So anyway, my point is I've internalized the lesson of regression to neutrality. I mean, I'm not sure if that was the exact name of the psychological phenomenon, but essentially it was very similar wording. I basically know that whatever happens to me, good or bad, it will always go back to neutrality, and life will just be as it is. Therefore, when Dolores arrives, I don't mind it so much, it's almost like indifferent hospitality, I don't want to kick it out, but I also am not happy about it staying either. I've sort of accepted that much of what brings Dolores into my life is far beyond my control, and I therefore don't mind it so much when he comes back, it's like hey Dolores, not surprised to see you here.

So Dolores, welcome back, do whatever you can, cause I don't give a shit.