Daniel Dylan I

Recently, I've become quite attached to this boy, Dylan. I cannot stop looking at his pictures, I think he is the most beautiful thing, I find his imperfections charming, his receding blond hair, his tiny body, his questionable skin, they all make me want him more, need him more. Saturday night he was basically my therapist for an hour, and I cannot explain how much that hour I spent with him meant to me. I don't quite think it's appropriate to call it love, but I am going to just do it, because hell with it, I haven't felt this strongly about anybody for a long time, Yes I love him, I love Dylan.

But I have the sensation that he's interested in this other boy called Jon. Now, I don't really know how serious it is, but it's definitely there, and I think Jon is definitely very attached to Dylan, and I don't have the confidence to fight it off, plus, I think Dylan is more interested in him than he is in me, which to put it very plainly: hurts.

Dylan hasn't outright rejected me, but ever since we made out, he's distanced himself from me at multiple parties, and I just don't know why. Regardless, I doubt anything is going to go down with Dylan this year. If only I knew he was coming to Turkey, we could have met up senior summer, before everything started, maybe that would have been it.

But I wrote the piece below on the 27th of November. It's about finding out about my quasi-exboyfriend's new boyfriend: since this seems to be a recurring theme in my life, me wanting people, and them not wanting me back.

Unrequited love is the worst. I would do anything for Dylan to like me. Anything. 

Regardless, enjoy:

___Written on the 27th of November, 2010:___

I suppose I should be happy for him.

Why should I suppose that? And why is that the sentiment should I be feeling?

There are a number of possible reasons, but among these, is it because;

a)    I was an asshole to him?

b)   We didn’t really date so it’s not a big deal?

c)    That is the socially acceptable thing to do?

d)   He’s too good for me so I should just accept not being with him?

e)    He sort of rejected me so it doesn’t matter anyway?

f)     Or a combination of the above 5?

Of all these options, f) a combination of the above 5 seems most likely.

I mean, to be honest, the whole Daniel thing was just a whirlwind of drama after drama after drama. It was too much; it was too soon after my break up with Bethany, and it was too soon after a whole summer of random hookups with girls some of whom I didn’t even know.

My head was too much in the sky; 11^th grade had just started and I was excited about beginning the IB program and going on the college journey full throttle. And among losing weight, a body transformation, finally getting over what had been the most toxic relationship of my life to date, having somebody else interested in me was just another dimension and complexity that I did not know if I could handle.

But that wasn’t just it. This other person was also a boy. Having had same-sex attractions for as long as I can remember, and subsequently oppressing all of those feelings and sentiments for as long as I can remember, the prospect of having another boy interested was so exciting. But it wasn’t only that, it was also having another outlet for my homosexuality.

So, on started our little journey. Our MSN talks where we talked about what turned us on, our most intense orgasms. I remember how he described his. He said his most intense orgasm ever was like ‘waves splashing on boulders on a shore,’ or something along those lines.

And so, we had a lot of these little conversations. I remember talking to Tayma, who at the time we used to talk to every single day, about how I would wait for Daniel to say hi to me on MSN (this was still in the day when we used to talk – whoops, I meant in the day I still used to MSN – Freudian slip much?).  So yeah. Then it started getting serious.

We used to chill in the Chemistry lab in 11^th grade during our break time. We had two ‘break times’, ‘break time’ and ‘lunch time’. Break time was when we chilled in the Chem Lab. This was the usual ‘pul and tug,’ time. This is when he would come into the room, I would slyly be aware of this presence, pretend like he wasn’t there, and act like a complete attention whore.

And then eventually one of us would break down, and either he would initiate conversation, directly or indirectly, and we would start talking. Oh yeah, I would sometimes start the conversation also.

And then, there was the point where I acknowledged that he liked me. At this point, it just got a very different twist to it. Our relationship I mean.

It was one day, Tayma, Mo, and Mina were chilling at Mina’s place. I think Hale also might have been there, but I’m not sure. Anyway. This was the day that Mo got accepted into college. So it was sometime during December. I think it was pretty close to December 15^th, or maybe perhaps a few days before. So anyway, Daniel and I were talking on MSN again.

We were just doing our usual awkward dancing, talking about random things, and I always felt like the conversation was always was destined to make a sexual turn at one point or another. Maybe I felt that was because of the constant arousal I felt at talking to him on MSN.

So that day, the day that Mo get accepted to college, while I was talking to Daniel on MSN, I was also talking to Tayma on MSN. He had been talking to me for a while, proving me trying to get me to at least admit my same sex attractions. I wouldn’t say that I had been systematically been refusing to, because his approach was too sporadic to create any form of real defense mechanism to, but I didn’t feel comfortable. But that day it was different. I suppose he was the first person that I came out to. I mean it wasn’t really coming out per se, but it was pretty close.

So I basically admitted to him that I did have same sex attractions, but that wasn’t the way I made it to be inside my mind. I told Tayma that I was just fucking with him, and that I was just wanting to play. She told me that she thought it was mean, but she was laughing while she said it so I doubt that she was being legitimately serious. I guess it was a safety mechanism; by not completely admitting to myself but telling one (or two in this case) other person of my same sex attraction, I almost put something out there, something undeniable, something that I could not refute because I had said it. I mean, I suppose I could have contested, but I guess the essential point is that I did not want to deny it, I wanted somebody to hold it out in front of me, take it high and make me accept myself for who I am.

Tayma thought it was a joke. I’m not sure if she really bought it, but she seemed to, so I guess I went along with it. Now that it was out in the open, Daniel and I started talking about it.

The rest after this point is a combination of good and bad, salty and sweet, sad and happy. The rest of the period was probably our little ‘honeymoon,’ where we just flirted with each other. Basking in the joy of having somebody, especially a guy, interested in me, I was very content and happy with my then current situation.

However, as things progressed, I didn’t know how to deal with most things. I mean, that probably isn’t fair on me, and it probably is an understatement of my capabilities, but it is true, and for the most part.

I remember us flirting wildly. Wildly is probably a pathetic option for an adjective; it was too inflated in my head. But actually it wasn’t quite. I mean I wouldn’t call it random, but two of our physical encounters I still remember happened in the library. One of them was by the computers, where he came behind me and hugged me. He later went around my neck, and just felt my face between his hands. Another time, he was wearing a god awful ugly brown scarf in the library, I was still thin at this point and sitting by the windows. He came behind me and I remember feeling his shaven beard, this was a pretty explicit demonstration of his affection for me, and I remember Destinee giving us funny looks.

It wasn’t meant in a bad way, I mean especially given that her and Daniel were and to my understanding still are good friends.

So anyway. But one day he sends me a text message saying ‘I want you lying next to me.’ I take this as an unequivocal sign of his romantic interest in me. Unfortuantely, I was mistaken. When I told him that he meant more to me than a friend, he said he wasn’t sure what he wanted me as in his life, and that he would rather wait, and that he hoped nothing would go wrong. How dare he?

That was simply shattering, I don’t think I have ever been that hurt in the context of our relationship. I mean, I just took a little 10 minute break from writing this, and I essentially don’t want to splurge in the details of what happened afterwards that upset me, I mean maybe I should so that I could get it down to go forever. So why not. Ok here we go.

For the next year and a half, I always remained passive aggressive, with temporary happy and genuine episodes, but all underlined by a genuine anger and just broken heart that couldn’t be put together. I kept on doing things that hurt him, some intentional, others not, some I don’t even know about. There was the Sarp issue, there was the Sarah Lawrence deal, there was me constantly ignoring him and being mean to him. I think it would be unfair to say that we didn’t have our good times, I mean, cause if we didn’t, why would this last for a whole year and a half? I mean, lets say it takes half a year to get rid of someone, why not just get rid of someone straight away after you realized tht they are bad for you?

I suppose he did do that, in that we weren’t talking by the end of 11^th grade. But we met up during the summer, had lunch, and fixed things. But that was that, and I didn’t see him until 12^th grade. We started on good terms, he came to the bakkal once to help out like he had last year, he didn’t come again. I got pissed off and stopped talking to him. Sometimes I genuinely have no idea what I’m doing.

I guess in this relationship, more wrong was done by me than it was done by him. I just wish it didn’t go the way it had, I mean I am not so bothered by it anymore, its fine really, I don’t think we could have had a great relationship anyay, were both too stubborn and opinionated. Whatever, it makes no sense to think about whether or not we could have had a relationship, because we didn’t and after this point on, I can say with full confidence that we never will.

So, tumultuous, dramatic, up and down, chaotic, emotionally driven, rational lacking, and just simply draining.

Wow. This was supposed to be how I feel about him having a new boyfriend but essentially turned out to be a summary of how I feel about our past, and I guess its implications on how I feel about him currently.

I mean, we had our good times, we definitely had our bad times. But at the end of the day, he was a shy Israeli boy that had just moved to Turkey, and I was somebody who was still trying to settle in my own skin, and not even coming to terms with my own sexuality. I suppose the interaction of those two things made us come out the way we did: very passionate and explosive.

But at the end of the day, I definitely think I am a better person for having had my relationship with Daniel. Do I wish I could change what happened between us? You bet I do. But at the same time I learned a lot through the experience the way it is, and I am not sure if I had the same lessons I did. Then again, if it turned out differently, we probably would have been at different points in our lives, which would make the lessons I learned pointless.

But if it came to between choosing it ever happening and it ever not happening; now that I am out of IICS and I do not have to face scrutinity and judgment for what I did. I definitely glad that it happened.

Yes it was hard at times, upsetting at times etc. etc. But at the end of the day, I got a lot through it, and I think I grew as a person because of it. And as for my initial question – am I okay with him having a boyfriend? I feel socially compelled to say yes cause that’s the ‘cool’ thing to do, but in all honestly, I’m glad. I am, sincerely happy that hes happy. If anything, speaking from a completely selfish perspective, I’m just glad that he finally closed the chapter. We are officially over (like we weren’t anyway? I guess I needed a real closure) and that’s that.

So, he’s with him, I’m by myself but experimenting and getting some (haha) and I guess that’s what is important. I mean would I really want to be tied down to somebody? I don’t think I have the maturity it takes currently given that the only relationship I ever had was during 9^th and 10^th grade and it was a highly toxic and dramatic one that was just… I cant find an adjective to describe it.

But I guess what I am coming to terms with is that I need to let go of the ideas I was expected to have because of my circumstances. Just because Daniel was there and he was convenient didn’t mean that we were destined to be together.

I also need to come to terms with and understand where I am personally, sexually, and emotionally. I’m still experimenting sexually, getting with girls and guys (though I started off with more girls than I did with guys, the guy side is definitely taking over, and it looks like that’s how I wanna roll for the next few weeks). I’m at the place I need to be, I need to hook up with as many people as possible so I can dispel my insecurity about my attractiveness, or lack therefore. And once I get comfortable with who I am, my appearance, and how attractive I am, then I will perhaps be able to pursue a relationship.

But until then, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing, I’ll keep trying, experimenting, and having fun, cause everybody needs a grind and puppy love now and then.

After thought – I spoke about what I wrote about Ela and asked her what she thought. She told me that you could easily see my transition of thought from one to the other, which perhaps demonstrates what is important to me. And that gave me a second thought.

For my psychology class, there was a hypothetical reading about a graduate student who got depressed every time she/he received a bad grade from a test, because even though it superficially looked like it was about law school, she/he associated getting a bad grade with being unhappy in future life.

This tangent basically makes the following point; maybe it wasn’t that I could deal with Daniel getting a new boyfriend, maybe that was a good thing. But I suppose deep down it was about the fact that I had unresolved feelings about the issue, and I still did not know how to deal with what happened, and that it was a trigger that set the fire, and the fire helped me work through my emotions.

Though I am still adding to the entry, I do feel like I am getting over it. I mean, its not like I was ever ‘under’ it per se, I was always on top of most things, and I feel like I did a pretty good job at dealing with the whole Daniel issue. But now I feel like I have a more clear sense of what I did and why I did it.

Essentially, we are now leaving two separate lives, he is studying in Bennington College in Vermont, and I am a student at Tufts University in Boston. He is in a relationship with, I don’t want to say his name because I don’t want to remember it, and I am playing the field.

It’s fine. I’m alone, but that’s the price I have to pay in order to experiment with my sexuality and enjoy my new found freedom – and that’s one that I’m definitely willing to.