embracing life

For some reason, these past few weeks, or even months, have not been sort of difficult to be honest. I do not want to enumerate my problems, or what I conceive to be the difficulties in my life but suffice it to say that things don't seem to be falling into place, and it's disappointing. I am not sure why, but every day, I feel apathy. I have difficulty going to class, I find it difficult to concentrate on tasks, I am not motivated to work, and I find everything to be exhausting in general.

At times like this I can't help but wonder if I really do need some time to myself, or if I am just being a lazy bum, and all I need to do is just to push myself a little harder. I suppose both this scnearios are possible, depending on what you want to believe and how you choose to interpret my life. I want to think of it was a time where I just need to be by myself.

But right now, I don't feel like working, I don't feel like studying for my upcoming midterm, I feel like writing on my blog, taking a nap, going to eat my salad, and just think a little bit. I'm not a machine, I'm not a monster, I'm just not meant to be working so much - or so I want to believe. I feel weak, I don't feel like I have got the strength to push on, and I certainly do not feel like I have the discipline and motivation in my life right now.

And when I think about it, my life is pretty good, I guess. I graduated from high school, came to the U.S. to study at a postsecondary level, and have made a respectable transition. Yet, I feel unsatisfied with it. I have made lots of acquaintances and thought I had made some friends but after standing up to my highschool friends, E and T, and consequently more or less losing both of them, I realize that I had few friends to begin with. If e and t cannot put in the effort to talk to me, and to work on our friendship, there isn't really one to be worked at. And while it was painful at first, I now realize I'm better off without a friendship that was somewhat coerced and did not work out naturally. We will probably be friendly when together, but I'll never think of them as my friends again, because honestly they really have dissapointed me, and I thought they were better than what they are.