Mina

I met Mina today.

I've known Mina since I was five, and we spent 12 years in high school together. It would be blatant lying that our relationship didn't have it's fair amount of drama; if anything, it probably had too much of it. I came really close to her in 8th grade, she was such a protective friend, and I felt safe with her. In 9th and 10th grade, we remained close, but my then girlfriend Bethany sort of got between us, in a number of ways that I do not wish to discuss here. In beginning of 11th grade, I feel like Mina really tried to get closer, as we had simply grown apart from one another. However, at that point in my life, I thought too highly of myself to want to associate myself with her. To be fair on my part, Mina is the kind of person who will value you if you neglect her, and I'd learned this lesson over 9th and 10th grade at a very high cost. So in 11th grade, when I had just lost a lot of weight, and felt great about myself, I didn't want to succumb and reciprocate the warmth that I perceived to be insincere.

Senior year came; Mina and I by this point were very far away. I regretted being dismissive of her the year earlier, and I tried very hard to get closer with her. I feel like I have a fair amount of dignity and self-respect, so granted my efforts were timely and not particularly aggressive; I didn't want to chase after her, I wanted her to accept my invitation. But to no avail, nothing really worked. I again tried the first semester of college, and I even confronted about how I felt about our entire situation. She seemed responsive, but nothing really changed; when we went back to Istanbul for winter break, we were still estranged friends.

And today I went into Boston to see her. We sat and had coffee overlooking Copley square for a little over three hours. I opened up to her, told her about senior summer, how coming out to my family went, and how whenever I get excessively drunk, I drown into tears, and I just keep thinking about what my mother said, my father's voice, the destitution of the entire situation. And she was a reasonable listener; at times I got frustrated because she would interject with her own stories; granted it wasn't a huge problem, but to me the subject was so personal and important that I wanted her full attention. Disclaimer: that is not to say that I just wanted to talk, but I just felt like if somebody was telling me something that was so personal to them, I would never talk about my life, but then again, she might have been trying to give me relevant examples. But basically we had a fair conversation; she definitely gave her opinion on what happened, and she gave me advice, and she was a fair listener. And after coffee, I walked her back to her sister's apartment on Newbury, and I left our 'date,' with clarity.

Clarity. Maybe the crucial point in 11th grade when I distanced myself from her, she changed a lot. To be fair, we haven't been close for two years; how can I expect everything to be like it was? I've changed and grown as a person, as has she. She confides in Simin and Julietta; I confide in Hale, Ela and Tayma.

We both diverged into our own relative paths, changed as people. And maybe we will never be at the point where we were somewhere along our decade long journey. but I have to accept that. I have to accept that maybe we were right for each other then, but after we both settled into our relative personalities, developed our own virtues and established our characteristics, we weren't mean to be so close anymore. Maybe we've both grown into such people that we've grown out of each other. 

There could be a million other reasons as to why we're not what we were, but I will never know them. What I do know is this: we are friends. We are not the bestest of friends, but we are friends. I know that if I call her, she will listen to me, she will try to help me, and she will be there. I know that if I invite her for dinner, she'll join me, and that there will be things that we can talk about. I know that we have enough of a history together and have lived through enough things together that we will never be strangers, though I still feel like we are slightly estranged friends, but I have to be happy with that. I've tried, and it doesn't work.