wanting to settle down, and fit in

I haven't written anything down in a while, and I'm not sure why that is. There have been a number of reasons; firstly because I haven't had an 'aha,' moment that definitely made me want to write a post, and secondly because my thoughts were to wrapped up inside one another that it was difficult to take one out, and just write about it.

Regardless, I had an 'aha!,' moment during breakfast today. I was talking to my friend J, and while I do enjoy her company, I nevertheless had doubts about her sincerity, and rather how much of a friend she would be, or even could be, if the opportunity arose. But interestingly enough, I was talking to her about my difficulties in coming to terms and identifying my sexual orientation, and how people always attach labels on me for their convenience. I decided to bring up this very personal issue with her because 1) she's getting closer to me 2) I needed somebody to talk to about it. 

I was talking about how people always call me gay, or call me bisexual, and I didn't know what to say to them, because while I didn't like their etiquette, I also didn't know of an alternative. So J told me: when people ask you what you are, say: I'm Batuhan, that's who I am. 

She later told me that you cannot keep fighting peoples' opinions of you, you cannot go around trying to explain yourself. And that was so relieving. All this time, whenever people thought I was gay, I had the urge to want to correct them, to tell them: No, that's not who I am. 

But at the end of the day, what does it matter? What does it matter if the guy down the hall thinks I'm gay and is not aware of the fact that I occasionally do check out girls and have slept with quite a few? What difference does it actually make? 

I feel like as long as those who are close to me know of the fact that I'm not sure about my identity, I think that's sufficient. Except that can be very difficult. I have a close friend here called Cam, and she once said to me: "Come on Batuhan, you're gay, just... accept it." Or something along those lines.

The frustration I felt at that point was overwhelming; I honestly do not think that it is because I am uncomfortable with being gay, it was more the fact that she felt entitled to label me and define who I am, and she felt that she had authority over me doing that. 

That reminds me of another time when I was having lunch with some acquaintances. I wasn't particularly enjoying their company, I was just sitting there, having my meal when something this girl said just annoyed me so much: "Girl, that guy has too many V-Necks for a straight guy, oh yes, he's definitely gay."

Looking back, how does she feel so entitled that she can just make a judgement like that for him? But then again, what's so wrong with that? People have opinions about people, about their clothing, their personalities etc. Why do I think it is so taboo and unacceptable for people to have opinions about each other's sexuality? 

To be fair on me, I don't have a problem necessarily of people having opinions about others' sexuality, rather what actually frustrates me is that people enforce their conception of my sexuality upon me, like I can't decide for myself. 

I think I have to understand that part of being human is being with other human beings, who will, inherently have opinions of you and judge you, no matter how non-judgemental people think they are - the fact they have an opinion demonstrates judgement, because nothing is inherently good or bad, but thinking makes it so. 

And if being a part of human is having people form opinions about you, and judge you, why should your sexuality not be subject to this part of society? 

I'm realizing that that's part of the hypocrite inside of me. But it makes me realize: I don't care so much if people think I'm snobby, or full-of-it, but why does it bother me if people think I'm gay? I mean, being snobby isn't a particularly desirable trait to have, but when I know something isn't true, I don't care. 

Maybe I actually am gay, and that is why people calling me gay bothers me so much, I have to accept that that's a possibility.

Even though talking and writing about this does help, it just always leaves me in frustration. I hate that I cannot find my place in society, and that I'm so unsure of where I stand. It makes me feel alienated, like I'm alone and isolated. I suppose if I just accepted or decided I was gay, then everything would be easier, I'd have more clarity in my life, and just a solid idea of who I am.

How many people are unsure about their sexuality at this point of their lives? How many people are still going around, trying to find who they like? How much am I holding myself back and trying to suppress who I am for the sake of my family? Am I actually unsure of my sexuality identity, or is that a requirement I need to have in order to be part of my life, sort of like a safe middle-ground between coming out and staying in the closet. So long as he's not sure, and he hasn't made a irrevocable statement about his sexuality, it's okay right? 

Am I actually confused about my sexuality, or do I want to be, because I think it's more acceptable, if only I could know how much of my confusion is internal, or externally coerced upon me. 


I want to just finally say: Yes, I'm gay - because it feels so good when I do! (I actually did that for the first time on campus since the year started, I was majorly drunk at Sig Nu)

But do I want to say that because people will stop finally bothering me about it (but they aren't actually bothering me about it really...) or because I will stop bothering myself about it, or because that's really who I am? I need clarity.