noname

I am sitting on a table overlooking the residential quad. It's snowing outside. or it was snowing until pretty recently. It is really pretty, There is a blue sky, and a nice, tall door, with a circular top thingy. It is really pretty.

I am wondering about some of the bigger questions of life today. I mean, not existential ones, not necessarily social ones, but rather those that pertain to my own life in a very direct and personal manner.

Today I was thinking about sort of the meaning of life. Behind the petty concerns, the trivial problems, and the momentary fluctuations and consequent depression's in one's mood, what really is there?

I was fortunate enough to have been born into a comfortable family, I never had to deal with anything tremendously difficult, and it's been supportive in that manner. I have two parents whom on call could come to the United States all the way from our homeland (a place, very, very far away) and I have no legitimate concern or complaint. I feel like there's nothing I couldn't do, nothing I couldn't have if I wanted to, yet I feel so constrained.

Sometimes I start thinking about things a little too much, and it occurs to me how unbelievably lucky I am, and how in retrospect, I really didn't do anything to deserve any of what I have. It just seems so strange that just by being born, some people have it all, others have very little, and some have nothing at all.

It makes me wonder what I can do for this world and this universe, and if anything I would do, or if anything I could do would be at all significant. What is it that I can do, to contribute to something bigger than myself?

The first thing that comes to mind is the fact that I could very easily do something for my family. And I think that's actually relieving in a way, I can live a life or do something that would make my parents happy. But how much can I really add to them?

Sometimes I feel so limited, I feel so pointless, I feel like there's such little I can do. Sometimes I feel like despite all that has been given to me, all that has been given to me unconditionally, with no expectation of anything in return, I really have done so little, so little to deserve everything that I have, so little to deserve everything that I've experienced, so little to deserve all the love I've gotten.






Sometimes, I sit and think in awe, despite everything that I have, and despite all that I could do, I just sit. I mean, it's taken a somewhat existential turn at this point, but in all sincerity, sometimes I feel like life is sort of pointless. I mean, yes there are happy times, yes there are good things, but in all everything does pass, everything is inherently transient, and thus momentary.

But that is something difficult that I have to overcome. I have to stop limiting myself to believing that all that is significant is that what is permanent and durable; for nothing in life really is, and I suppose that is a quality of our existence of this planet that I am not comfortable with; I cannot grapple with the simple characteristic of life being so temporary, I cannot fathom that all that I will do, have done, and am currently doing will bear no lasting impact; and in that sense I can't help but feel insignificant.

So this post has been somewhat deeper than the other ones I suppose, because I feel like my current concerns and problems can and probably are felt by many people around the world and that they are transracial, transcultural and what not.

I feel myself thinking less, doing less.

I want to get back at my roots and find who I am. I am not a obnoxious Jewish girl, I am not a hipster whose completely carefree in terms of material possessions, but I just feel my identity crisis, and I feel its enduring impacts, and I feel the mark that it's left on me, and it's not a pleasant one. I want to go back and figure everything out, I want to press a button or pull a string where everything would just fall into its natural place in the grand scheme of my life. I want to pull a curtain, unveil a mask, and just discover who I am, what I believe and what my values are. I want simplicity, and I want to change less around different people, I want to be a low self-monitorer. I feel the urge to back to to the nice, innocent well-meaning boy that I was back in the day, but I feel like that's something difficult to accomplish. I think a combination of my experiences in this world and just the development of my personality has made me a different person. I feel more judgmental, more entitled and just a superior, overbearing ego.

But like many all things, this too shall pass, and soon everything shall essentially be forgotten.


What I'm also annoyed at is that despite all the writing and introspection I do, it's almost like I can't find any cure to my depression, I want to do something, to change something so that I feel better. But everything feels repetitive, nothing feels real. I want some concrete changes, but it's difficult to make them. I guess I've reached my own repetition of insanity. By sitting here, on this funny corner of the internet and doing writing, I'm not going to necessarily be changing anything about myself or about my life.

I just thought of the idea of studying political science, and it made me really happy. I feel like it's something that resonates with my identity, and having something concrete helps me think of myself in more black and white terms. It adds some validity to my life, some stability, and a sense of accomplishment I suppose, but I do not want to make premature decisions.