remember to treasure yourself

Understanding that my life is precious, and that I need to decide who to let in, and who to keep out, has been one of the hardest lessons to learn for me, one that I am still working on. An accumulation of many things in my life has led me to the point where I could no longer tolerate the injustices that have been done to me. Those who have broken my heart, taken me for granted, have, until now, been able to right back in, no questions asked.

And one day, with with pain-aching frustration I had to ask myself: Is this how much I value myself? Do I care so little about myself that anybody can walk all over me, can treat me like dirt and walk right through me and back into my life. And while it's been incredibly difficult for me utter these words, I finally have built up the courage to give them their answer; No, you may not. 

I spent twelve years of my life on the outskirts of Hadimkoy in a blue and orange box taking people's shit, or otherwise risk being alone, given the size of my class. Saying no meant having your 'social life,' severely hindered, and that was a price I was not willing to pay. And even outside that toxic environment, I still do, or did not, not stand up for myself, and kick out those that have proved themselves untrustworthy out of my life.

It is said that the walls we build around ourselves do not keep others out but rather rather keep us in. That may be true, but to be honest, I don't see the alternative. I'm willing to stay in, so long as I am in a place where there are people I care about, and people I can trust, and most important, where I am safe. In hindsight, it seems ridiculous that it took this long for me to do realize this, given my emotional nature. 

This is not to say that second chances are out of question, because I care deeply about those who I sincerely let into my life. But from now, I will definitely expect more from the other side as well as mutual respect, and if people fail to meet those conditions, then they will simply be let go of,  because I've been hurt one too many times. And to that end, I'm no longer going to aggressively seek people out. Putting yourself out there is not a bad thing by any means, but it means you can be hurt much more often, and makes it difficult to determine who's really there. It's like playing dodgeball: the less you hide and get out there, the more you can win, however, it's definitely more risky.

For now, I want to put some walls up, I want some time to think, to come to my senses, but most importantly, to see who cares enough to see through them. 

I want to thank my friend Jülide for always being there for me. The decision I spoke of in this post has been a difficult one to make, and she's helped me through every bit of the way. It also happens to be Jülide's birthday today; Bitanem doğum günün kutlu olsun, seni çok seviyorum, herşey için teşekkür ederim, senin sayende daha iyi birisiyim. Happy 19th fucking birthday!