we are all born superstars

I've got an Political Science midterm tomorrow, but all I want to do, all I can think of doing is writing, to write my emotions, to write what I'm feeling, and to write what I am believing in.

I recently read a post by my dear friend, Ichmac, and in the most beautiful and sobering way possible, I saw the light. I had a friend, or have a friend (my indecisiveness about the tense should tell you something about the nature about our relationship) whom I felt like I deeply, deeply cared for. At first I was attracted to her because she was really fat, and was rich. So I thought, as a bi/homo/pomosexual guy, I definitely need a fat rich friend! (I swear in reality it was not nearly as shallow as it seems to come off in writing).

That was initially why I was interested in her; and then we turned out to have mutual friends that we both get along with really well, and just got very close. I skyped with her when I was in Turkey, she was the only person that I skyped with during all of winter break, and I was BBMing her all throughout the break. I called her when my plane landed; I felt like I had a friend; her excitement over the phone just made me feel so secure, so safe. And we were fine for about the first week, and but towards the end I felt her distancing herself from me; I didn't understand why, and finally I confronted her after about two weeks of ice-cold behavior on her part.

And now I've made my peace with it. Partly because I got accustomed to not spending so much time with her, but partly because I've gotten closer with some other people, and partly because I think I got closer with understanding the situation, and also accepting it. I will cherish the good times we had together, but I just realized that Alexandra being my bestie was not meant to be.

I care for Alexandra a lot. And you know, it's not her fault that she can't be the friend that I want her to be, I mean it's not like she ever signed a contract that said "My name is Alexandra and I pledge to be a good friend by your definitions."We just spent lots of time together, it's not her fault, despite her stand-off ish attitude for two weeks, she didn't really do anything. And I mean, come on, I've honestly done much worse things to my friends, I can definitely forgive her for what she's done, plus holding onto hate is like holding onto a peace of hot coal and wanting to throw it onto somebody, you get burnt yourself.

I'm sitting in a the study room in Houston with two girls who are bantering and laughing, and I feel like it's a nice group of two people to be with. I've definitely found better friends, and the Alexandra thing was bound to happen. I got committed and attached to Alexandra way too much, and she never expressed that much interest, and more important, she never did anything to deserve so much of my love, which in turn made me less important to her,

But I honestly feel content with where I am. I feel like I'm over the "who is who, and who has what," phase of my life. Granted, it will always be there, as a by-product of my background, but it's becoming less of a fundamental characteristic that I am looking for in friendships.

I also feel content with how everything is going; granted my studies are not going so well, but some things honestly take time, sometimes you just aren't in the right place in your life to deal with certain things, and somethings just don't align. I feel like always wanting things to be different than they are is looking up into the sky and wanting the stars to align in one way; but sometimes the universe has different plans for you.

So I'm embracing that right now. I don't know how much sense my rationale makes in a strictly rational, scientific kind of way, but it's calming me down, and it's making me happier, so I am going to stick to it. On the other hand, my relationship with Gail seems to have gotten better, but she always seemed to be the slightly more emotional one out of the Alexandra-Gail duo, so that doesn't surprise me.

I have to embrace and accept myself for who I am. I may not always dress well, I do have a weight problem, sometimes I feel like I need a boyfriend, maybe my relationship with the gay community is sort of weird, but you know what - that's just how I am. I don't always fit in, I'm sort of my own person, I'm trotting in my own path, and yes it's never been taken before, but I'm comfortable with leaving my mark.

For people that know me well, that know my family well, and that know basically where I fit in in the grand scheme of things, will understand this very well: my life is far from simple, and I'm apple that rolled far, far away from the tree, across the rode, into another farm house, got picked up by another farmer and got sent to the U.S.A.

And you know what? That's fate. The trajectory of my life was determined way before I was born. That's something that I've been thinking a lot about lately, that so much of our lives on this silly little planet of ours are out of control, yet we get worked up so much over the most trivial things that we have absolutely that we cannot change.  My grandfather was a cold man, which partly is why my father did not know how to do anything but business since he was 6, which explains his grossly huge success as a businessman, which explains how I have all the unbelievable opportunities I currently hold at the tips of my finger tips. The fact that my father was denied a visa, and decided to have me born in the States, and sent me to IICS where I grew up with foreigners, which made me identify and internalzie a culture alien to my own blood, and the fact that I wasn't born straight, the fact that I was born a quite emotional person, the fact that I was born as somebody that had a propensity to eat when upset, this is who I am, and there's no point denying it, cause baby, I was born this way.